Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab. “First there was the dream, now there is reality,” said Pfizer CEO Albert “Dirty Berty” Bourla from his planet-orbiting space fortress. “They said it couldn’t be done — that it was unethical — but we showed them!”
He elaborated, “A new variant is scary. That’s why we wanted to make sure the vaccine was ready to go right away. We had a lot of experience from causing myocarditis and then treating it, which was a big help.” Pfizer scientists have been working double time to get both products ready for simultaneous release using a process they call “directed evolution.”
“First, we create a new virus variant,” explained Dr. Dumas, Pfizer’s head of bioweaponry. “Then, we get tons of people sick on purpose.” “Ta-da! Directed evolution!” Experts suggest Pfizer’s radical approach to virus treatment may be tantamount to an abusive relationship, but that’s okay because we probably deserve it.
“I’d suggest we investigate this immediately,” said Congresswoman AOC. “But I don’t want to burn any bridges. I might have to get a job there someday.” According to sources, doctors across the nation are looking to boost their business with similar attempts at Directed Evolution. “First I break their kneecaps, and then I bandage them up. Medicine!” said one Detroit doctor.