Red Hats Infiltrate GITMO

A GITMO Naval Hospital orderly has been arrested for the attempted murder of World Economic Forum founder Klaus Schwab, who remains intubated in a medically induced coma, with armed guards standing watch outside his room, a GITMO source told Real Raw News.

On April 22, a hospital employee who had been working at the hospital for two years and had clearance to enter Schwab’s room alone was caught trying to swap Schwab’s IV fluid bag with one full of hydrofluoric acid, a highly corrosive liquid and contact poison that rapidly penetrates tissue. While the acid attacks both glass and plastics, the thermoplastic properties of polypropylene and polyethylene resist the acid’s corrosive effects. Our source said the suspect’s bag had been manufactured to hold corrosive acids safely.

The employee, described as a 27-year-old male and former petty officer first class, was seconds away from filling Schwab’s veins with acid when military police burst into the room and tackled him to the floor, our source said.

“The suspect was medically discharged due to an injury two years ago, but he still wanted to serve his country in whatever capacity possible. His disability—he lost an eye—made him unfit to serve aboard vessels, but he could still sponge bathe, change bedpans, wheel people around, etc… He applied to be a healthcare orderly and was given the job,” our source said.

The unnamed orderly was immediately placed in cuffs, and charged with attempted murder after JAG confirmed that the IV bag was brimming with hydrofluoric acid. GITMO leadership, our source said, has unequivocally stated that vigilantes would receive swift, demanding justice—especially following the brutal murder of former FEMA deputy director Eric Hooks last September.

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“Hooks’ killers got off light, but Admiral Crandall & company made it damn clear there’d be no more leniency, no more reduced sentences for people practicing extrajudicial murder, or, in this case, attempted murder. The suspect was interrogated after being arrested,” our source said.

Although the suspect refused to say how he had obtained the hydrofluoric acid, he admitted he wanted Schwab to die a grisly, painful death, and, when asked what Schwab had done to earn his ire, said the “evil bastard” deserved the most gruesome death imaginable for crimes against humanity.

His subsequent confession sent chills down the investigator’s spine.

“I did it for the Red Hats,” the orderly said.

“What do you know about Red Hats?” the investigator queried.

“I know we’re hiding in plain sight, that we’ve infiltrated every corner of your world, and that we’ll do what you won’t,” the suspect said.

“You do realize Schwab’s a comatose vegetable and may not live long enough to face a tribunal, don’t you? You sacrificed your freedom for nothing,” the investigator said.

“Schwab doesn’t deserve a tribunal. It’s a waste of time. People like him should be put down, made to suffer the way they caused humanity to suffer,” the suspect said.

“So, how long have you been a Red Hat?” asked the investigator.

The suspect smiled thinly. “Since the day I was born. It just took me a while to realize it. I had an awakening.

According to our source, the orderly will remain in pre-trial detainment until Adm. Crandall decides his fate. It’s unclear whether GITMO leadership will attempt to identify and isolate other Red Hats on base.