Nation Votes To Vacate All 535 Seats Of Congress

After discovering that vacating Congressional positions is an actual option, Americans have overwhelmingly voted to vacate all 535 seats of Congress.

“It’s a good start,” said Virginian Tom Rowland. “We should have done this a long, long time ago.”

After the position of House Speaker was simply vacated without any plan for a replacement, a struggling nation realized the American Dream was suddenly back within its grasp. “I always thought if we removed one lizard person, we were stuck replacing them with another one. What was even the point?” said Georgia woman Karen Livingston. “But–to rid ourselves of all of Congress, and simply not replace them? I had no idea this was possible. It brings tears to my eyes…America might just have a chance after all.”

The vote was held hours after McCarthy’s ouster, with all 535 seats in Congress being vacated with a final vote tally of 350 million to 535. “For decades, voting was like cutting one head off of Hydra, just to watch two more grow back,” said Maryland resident John Denton, beaming as he watched Congressmen clean out their offices. “Think, with just a few months of an empty Capitol — why there might be a Republic left when my children grow up.”

At publishing time, America had voted to also vacate the rest of the federal government except for the National Park Service.

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