Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, has successfully negotiated an agreement with federal prosecutors to avoid jail time for charges of tax and firearm crimes by pleading “Biden.” “It’s an airtight legal defense,” said CNN legal analyst Laura Coates. “Our sources have reported Hunter’s attorneys met with prosecutors and simply said ‘Our client’s last name is Biden,’ at which point prosecutors agreed to forego any jail time for the charges. Prosecutors knew they could do nothing against the ‘I’m a Biden’ defense tactic. It works every time.”
Hunter’s legal team defended the deal against claims of preferential treatment. “Allegations of double standards are ridiculous,” said one of Hunter’s attorneys. “Every Biden is treated exactly the same way.”
Criticism of the deal came in quickly from right-wing Nazi MAGA Republicans. “So he doesn’t pay his taxes, breaks federal gun laws, and rapes underage prostitutes, but he gets no jail time?” said local unimportant middle-class guy David Megli. “I guess it pays off to be the son of a corrupt President after all.”
As part of the plea deal, Hunter’s most severe penalty will be having his hair playfully tousled by the judge while being called “a naughty little rascal.” Hunter will then return home to celebrate the plea deal by snorting cocaine off a hooker’s buttocks.
At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had filed paperwork to legally change his last name to Biden in an effort to have all federal indictments against him dropped.