The world of political media is still reeling from the shocking news of Tucker Carlson being let go, but as with anything in the fast-paced business of cable news, the show must go on. Fox News has yet to reveal any plans regarding who or what may fill Carlson’s vacated nightly prime-time spot, but the channel will surely attempt to hit a home run with its decision.
The Babylon Bee has compiled a list of absolutely perfect candidates for Tucker’s replacement:
- Lizzo: She’s landing massive cameos in shows like The Mandalorian, so it would be a big deal for Fox to land such a huge, huge, very huge star.
- David French: He’s the fearless, stalwart guardian of true conservatism.
- A robot anchorman who will thoughtlessly read the teleprompter verbatim: No opinions, just push the narrative, got it?
- A Tomahawk missile with an American flag painted on it: ‘MURICA!
- A black mermaid: When you’re getting rid of a white male, you replace him with a black female. Those are the rules now.
- Adam Kinzinger: If Fox wants to go the emotional tear-jerker route, there’s no one better suited to weep on television.
- Hot blonde female anchor Tucketta Cartson: Wow. She’s gorgeous. Where have we seen her before?
- Volodymyr Zelensky: This would be the best choice for the good of Ukraine, er, America.
- Liz Cheney: Fox would be silly not to hire the most popular politician in history.
- John Bolton’s mustache: Facial hair is still in style, and this facial hair is on a mission to start some wars.