Former Secretary of State and renowned fingernail collector Hillary Clinton was spotted in downtown New York City sporting a “But Her Murder Victims” hat this week. “I mean, can you believe people are defending Donald Trump after all he’s done?” The former presidential candidate and celebrated email server technician told a friend over coffee while wearing a crisp new “But Her Murder Victims” hat.
“He put his documents in the bathroom like an idiot. You gotta bury those deep in the basement with the other state secrets and bodies-I mean-wedding plans, yes, wedding plans.”
Clinton laughed at a reporter when asked if she actually had murdered anyone then carefully made a mental note of his height, weight, and hair color.
“Madam President,” 28-year-old New Yorker Sarah Hawkins uttered breathlessly as Clinton passed by her on the street. “I love your hat. I can’t believe how those crazy MAGA Republicans are always accusing you of stalking your victims at night, killing them in ways that could plausibly look like suicides, depositing the bodies in the East River, and covering up the murders by having your political opponents arrested.”
The former First Lady and Clorox bleach enthusiast announced plans to begin selling the hats on her website, with all proceeds going towards the Clinton Scholarship and Zip Tie Foundation.