In a memo reported to have been sent company-wide recently, the Corporate Diversity Officer for tech giant GooBooplezon reminded all employees that race inspections are scheduled for next Thursday and are mandatory. Intrepid journalists have gained exclusive access to the memo after an employee accidentally forwarded the memo to [email protected] rather than [email protected]. Below is the full, unedited memo:
Subject: Race inspections next Thursday
Dear employees of GooBooplezon,
As part of our ongoing commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), we are conducting race inspections next Thursday, June 29th. The purpose of these inspections is to verify the race or ethnicity of each employee and ensure that our company reflects the made-up diversity of our customers and communities.
The race inspections will be conducted by a team of exorbitantly-paid external consultants who will visit each department and ask employees to present their identification documents and answer a few questions about their racial or ethnic identity.
The race inspections are mandatory for all employees. If you fail to participate or provide false or misleading information, you may face disciplinary action, including termination. Wearing blackface, fake hijabs, or pink wigs is frowned upon as nearly every cis-white employee did that last year and it took days to sort through who was fake diverse or real diverse.
We understand that race inspections may cause some discomfort or anxiety for certain employees simply due to the way they were born. However, we believe that they are necessary and beneficial for our company’s DEI goals and culture. We appreciate your support and participation in this important culling initiative.
If you have any questions or concerns about the race inspections, please contact me or your manager, if you dare.
Sincerely,
Gimlet Chauncery, Chief Diversity Officer
At publishing time, an anonymous employee named Carl Witherspill had reported race inspections to have gone flawlessly, as 100% of employees identified as black women of color.