The nation united in grateful praise of President Trump this morning when it was revealed that he had protected government secrets from a devastating cyberattack by hiding them all in boxes at Mar-a-Lago.
“If there’s one thing I know, it’s cyber,” said Trump to a rapturous crowd on Thursday morning. “I knew the devastating and terrible attack on our cyber was coming soon, so I took it upon myself to print out all the government’s secrets and keep them in my bathroom where only I am allowed to go. Very secure, the most secure bathroom ever built, probably. You’re welcome for saving the country. You don’t have to thank me, but America would have been destroyed if I hadn’t been three steps ahead of the cyber bad guys with my brain.”
Sources say the crowd cheered in a fit of ecstasy for the great genius President, much more genius than Biden or DeSantis, who had saved them all.
At publishing time, Trump had purchased several Corvettes in which to store the documents more securely.