The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. The always-trustworthy and not-in-any-way-corrupt D.C. Police Department immediately launched a very thorough 15-minute investigation to learn the identity of the culprit.
While it’s unlikely we’ll ever know who could have possibly brought cocaine into the house where President Biden and his crack-addicted son were staying, The Babylon Bee has obtained a list of 15 other things found at the White House during the search:
- Three more illegitimate children of Hunter Biden
- Dead hookers
- Live hookers
- $72 billion marked “For Zelenskyy”
- Teddy Roosevelt’s skateboard
- Jill Biden’s Fisher-Price pretend doctor’s kit
- Dominion voting machine programming manual
- Scrapbook containing Hunter Biden’s baby teeth…and his adult teeth.
- Ray Epps
- A notebook labeled “Chairman Xi’s To-Do List”
- 30 suitcases left behind by Sam Brinton
- List of unsecured locations of classified documents
- Hunter’s other laptop (where he keeps the REALLY bad stuff)
- A closet full of adult diapers
- Glass vial labeled “Next Pandemic — Save for 2024”
As you can see, the White House is thankfully now free of cocaine — or any other illegal activity. Thanks for getting that taken care of, D.C. Police!