The American Academy of Pediatrics has announced new recommendations for treating childhood strep throat using puberty blockers. According to sources, the new guidelines came after repeated requests from Pfizer, Planned Parenthood, and a small mob of blue-haired people outside threatening to burn down their Illinois headquarters.
Giving puberty blockers to kids with strep throat is one of the latest advancements in pediatric care discovered by the people who make puberty blockers and fund our organization,” said AAP Spokesman Fred Willard. “It’s a very scientific and risk-free treatment. And you know I’m telling the truth because of my official-looking lab coat. This is how science works. Not that you uneducated types would understand.”
The AAP is also recommending puberty blockers be given to treat ear infections, obesity, ant bites, loose teeth, depression, constipation, skinned knees, pink eye, and a disrespectful tone. “For serious cases of these ailments, gender transition surgery may also be needed,” said Willard. “And we know this because studies have been done. Studies are infallible. Especially when they’re funded by Pfizer, Planned Parenthood, and the small mob of blue-haired people outside our HQ.”
At publishing time, the AAP had put a pause on giving new recommendations, as a hellish portal in the ground had opened up beneath their HQ and swallowed the entire building.