The nations of Earth have descended into a mass panic this week after Mad Money host Jim Cramer announced that giant mutant bugs will definitely not attack the Earth next Tuesday at 2:17 pm. “I’m absolutely, 100% sure about this,” proclaimed Cramer confidently as his TV crew fled the studio in terror.
“There is absolutely NO CHANCE a race of man-eating mutant insects controlled by a hive-mind from the planet Arachtoid VI will enter Earth’s atmosphere at noon next Tuesday and begin destroying all major cities at 2:17. I know what I’m talking about, folks! Also, hold onto your General Motors stock, because it’s going up, up, up! If you don’t own shares of General Motors, BUY NOW! WOOOO HOO!”
Federal authorities are telling citizens to remain in their homes and maybe dig fallout shelters real quick under their basements. “Based on our intelligence, which has monitored Cramer’s show for years, we can reasonably assume that the exact opposite of what he just predicted will happen next week,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “This is the end. God help us all.”
At publishing time, General Motors’ stock had crashed.